Monday, June 15, 2009
I talk a good game
What comes out of my mouth (and typed from my fingers) is often different than what's in my heart. I seriously struggle with my faith when I lose someone close. I ask a lot of questions...what is life all about....why is it so hard? Is there really a heaven that's beautiful and eternal? Hard to imagine when we look around us. Then I do the "what ifs" in my head. What if John would've had interferon treatment years ago? What if he wouldn't have broken his hip? What if SOMEONE would've tapped him these past several weeks? I think that's the toughest one for me right now. He desperately wanted tapped and he would've felt immensely better if that would have happened. He would have moved around a lot easier and gotten stronger. It was so incredibly hard to watch him get upset when it looked like it would happen and then it wouldn't. And I would tell him, "They're tapping you tomorrow after they give you plasma!" And then the answer was no. Just not fair. I think he decided to "chuck it" (his words) when we told him his platelets kept dropping even after receiving blood products. He knew then that the battle was futile. I mourn not only for my brother but also for what might have been.
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3 comments:
you are an analyst. analyzing each detail to try to determine if the details came in the correct order, if the docs interpreted the details correctly, if John responded to the details in the most appropriate way.
come out here where the simple folk must live:
Romans 8:28 - all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Rest in Jesus - He is the Author and Finisher of your faith and John's faith.
Blessings
I have to agree with Rebecca this one time. ;) I could ask the same questions: What if the doctors had diagnosed Annie sooner? What if I took her to the hospital the night before? Why didn't I figure it out?
The thing of it is--If God has numbered our days, (Psalm 139:16) then no matter what we do or don't do in all this medical-ese makes a hill of beans difference. This life is a vapor (Psalm 39:5), and all things DO work together for good. Maybe not what we would define as being good, but definitely what God defines as good--our eternal good.
But--you are sorting these things out in your mind, and you are mourning the loss of a great brother. So you might wonder if everything was done that should have been done, and let me tell you--it was. You & your family did all that you could do, and John did all that he could do, and the medical community did all that they could do. And today, John is not worried about the dang plasma anymore! But you miss him, and that's okay.
Big hug.
Thank you Rebecca and Jean. I need to keep reading your comments over and over. xo
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